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my $one = !$|;
my $one = cos; # Given that $_ == 0.
my $one = $>/$>; # Effective user ID.
my $one = $(/$(; # (Space-separated list of) group ID(s).
my $one = $)/$); # (Space-separated list of) effective group ID(s
my $two = length $:;
my $two = $^F; # Note: system-dependent.
Once (shame on you!)
Twice (shame on me!)
More often than I'd like to be
All the time
Just when answering stupid polls
Who you callin' a fool?
I refuse to vote in this ridiculous poll
Results (540 votes). Check out past polls.