I think you have made a valid point. One thing I have noticed about programmers over the years is that there is rarely a lack of passion in their opinions and very few I have known are exactly timid or lack self confidence. Sometimes this gets expressed rather more energetically in the course of a discussion than we mean or realize.

Speaking solely from my own experience there are 2 things i really have to remind myself about when I get passionate

1. All parties of the discussion are not aware of all of the assumptions, viewpoints, knowledge or history of the others, so it can be easy to make assumptions

2) correction It takes 2 people to there to be an offense. The quote from Rufo in Robert Heinlein's Glory road comes to mind “An insult is like a drink; it affects one only if accepted. ... for clarification we always have the choice to refuse to be offended ...

And yes I am too often prone to accept the drink ... even when it wasn't meant to be offered.

I like to try to take the tack that if I do not understand what some one says (or think I do and find it somehow unacceptable) to say 'I do not understand. can you explain?' rather 'You are wrong!' However this is still very much a work in progress in my case.

only my 2 kopeks and as always YMMV