"So you're another 'me too *nix fanboi' who thinks that the ability to download a tar.gz, unpack it and type configure and make makes him a programmer."
I might not have an accredited Pope-ness degree from years of slacking off at PerlMonks (switched usernames a few times over time, hence my mere Sexton status). However, your excellency isn't exactly writing a How-To response either.
If you're going to call me a "fan-boi" then show what you've got. How would you, your supreme-ness, do this using Perl? How would you, your majesty, solve the OP's dilemma?
No working solution? No "Hey look at that!" example? Then why even pipe up? Oh, and thanks for the down-vote.