in reply to
What is the preferred cross-platform IPC module?
After losing three days or so to investigating this, I gave up. Commenters on a blog post pointed out how I could resolve database-specific packaging issues, and that freed me to just stop worrying and to use the DBI instead.
FWIW, I did write up a detailed SO answer to the original question. TL;DR: IPC::Run is probably the best choice, but IPC is such a mess that all the options frankly suck pretty hard. I am grateful I don't have to deal with it anymore.