...don't need or want the ache of defining a schema...
Schema generation with DBIC is generally trivial. Some special needs can definitely be a pain for a novice with the kit, I know. I'm not saying you need to use DBIC but it's really quite excellent and in the past your code style and mine have lined-up well so I recommend it to you.
Take a look at these goodies (assuming you haven't already)–
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