It was a good guess, but alas, no dice. I tried the Jet connection string, with a few modifications, along with a few others. The errors I then get come from the DBI module itself, telling me that it doesn't know what drivers to use based on the connection string I am passing in. "....because I can't work out what driver to use (it doesn't seem to contain a 'dbi:driver' prefix and the DBI_DRIVER env var is not set)...".
I've tried re-exporting the file as an old style .mdb file and that didn't work either. I am expanding my search a bit because this is definitely not a perl problem, but something weird with my computer or office itself.
Thanks for hanging out.