I had to rewrite "When a Perl Hacker Retires" to make it platform-independent.... and I got a bit carried away!

I hope you'll agree this is a dramatic improvement. Hey - it actually tells the time (ish).

#!/usr/bin/perl -w
use strict


                    $i=$l=0;
        $w9=(localtime)[2];if($w9>11){$w9
        -=12}$j6=(localtime)[1];$hh=int((
        (($w9*1*       12        *1*10/2)
        )+$j6)              /      (((90)
        ))+0.5             )        ;if($
        hh>7)             {         $hh=0
        };$mh            =          (38/(
        17-6+  9        *        3  ))*1*
        int((           (           $j6)/
        (7.5)           )           +0.5)
        ;if(1*          $          mh>7){
        $mh=0}                     ;for(;
        $i<93+1*        6        *1+1333+
        1;$i++){$t5[$i]=chr(32)}for($j=54
        ;$j<1433;$j+=53){$t5[$j]="\n"}&r;
        @fc =(663,25,201,311,528,688,847,
                       1004
       ,1108,1211,1313,1405,1344,1231,1067
      ,798,638,480,323,168,69);@cf=(6,15,26
     ,22,16,13,2,22,11,12,20,17,12,20,1,18,3
    ,0,4,12,20);for(;$l<21;$l++){$t5[$fc[$l]]
            =$cloak[$cf[$l]]}@m=qw(133 
         637  53  | 134 \\   132    / 299 
         637  52 /  246  _   300    | 664 
         682  1  -  682  >   682    > 717
         1130 54 \\ 1148 -   1096   | 716
         1220 53  | 1192 \\  1194  /  715
         1167 52 /  1130  |  1132  _  645
         663  1  -  644   <  644   <  285
         610  54 \\ 284   |  232   _);@h=qw(345
         637  53  | 346   \\ 344   /  455 
         637  52 /  402   _  456   |  664 
         674  1  -  674   >  674   >  717 
         971  54 \\ 986   -  934   |  716 
         1061 53  | 1033  \\ 1035 /   715
         952  52 /  922    | 924   _  653 
         663  1  -  652   <  652  <   447 
         610  54 \\ 446    | 394  _); sub
         r{$t5[88]=chr(117);@cloak=split(
           //,"cloak");@legend=split(//,
           ####                     ####
           "###  When JAPH retires  ###"
           ####    (by Elliott)     ####
           ####                     ####
           );push@cloak,@legend;}for($m=
    $m[$mh*8+0];$m<$m[$mh*8+1];$m+=$m[$mh*8+2
    ]){$t5[$m]=$m[$mh*8+3]}$t5[$m[$mh*8+4]]=$
     m[$mh*8+5];$t5[$m[$mh*8+6]]=$m[$mh*8+7]
     ;for($h=$h[$hh*8+0];$h<$h[$hh*8+1];$h+=
     $h[$hh*8+2]){$t5[$h]=$h[$hh*8+3]}$t5[$h
    [$hh*8+4]]=$h[$hh*8+5];$t5[$h[$hh*8+6]]=$
     h[$hh*8+7                     ];foreach 
      (@t5){                        print}
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