Update: Was I right? Check out The Year in Perl, 2007! Short answer—not even close.
* Allison Randal and chromatic will finally let the world know about the Portland Project. Yep, they've had Perl 6 all long and just forgot to commit it. They both say something about how much it rains in Portland, and how that's a real downer sometimes.
* Rob Kinyon, wearing a "Programming Republic of Perl" t-shirt, will mysteriously show up at the final table of the World Series of Poker. He went to Vegas for some laughs and entered hoping to get into the top third, although he made it much farther. He'll end up finishing in seventh because he was distracted by Michael Matusow asking him questions about his laptop and if he's getting good wireless reception.
* Two Damian Conways will try to take the stage at OSCON and will fight about which one was supposed to talk and which one was supposed to be doing module maintenance that week. Allison will have to explain that part of the Portland Project was creating seven copies of Damian in 2005 in case the original was lost to a horrific spider or koala accident. The copies were to be kept in cryogenic stasis, but that part of the project didn't quite get done. They do have six Damians chained to desks in an underground computer facility and are happy to have finally caught the seventh. Their names are Book Damians 1 & 2, Modules Damians 1, 2 & 3, and Perl 6 Damians 1 & 2. The real Damian is sometimes called Conference Damian.
* Larry Wall will annouce Perl 7000, saying it's 1.75 times better than Python 4000, and that he and Guido will simultaneously release them right around Never.
* Randal Schwartz will move to Brazil and write the next Llama book in Brazilian Portuguese, which José Castro will translate to Portuguese Portuguese and also provide the voice for the book-on-tape. Since that is the only language for the book, a little known Portuguese-English dictionary will outsell Learning Perl 6.
* Abigail will move to San Jose, CA to work for Rabobank just so he can go to Borders any time he feels like it. Curiously, he'll go broke buying books and have to move back to the Netherlands after selling them all on eBay to pay for his return flight.
* chromatic will finish his fiction novel about a group of Java programmers who get work done. In the story, the project manager correctly forecasts almost everything, and through teamwork each bug is diagnosed within 10 minutes. The book will rise to the top of the Amazon best seller list when it's incorrectly categorized under "Business" instead of "Science Fiction". chromatic will accept high paying engagements as a motivational speaker and forget all about Perlmonks.
* Chris Nandor will be jailed for gun crimes and Eric Raymond will complain on his blog that he was doing the same thing five years before Chris was and he should be the one getting all the attention. An ATF officer in Arizona will read that blog accidently while surfing on his in-car computer and arrest Eric, who will then complain that he's in jail in violation of his constitutional rights. Chris will be later released at the request of a high-ranking Washington State Republican. Eric won't. Chris will post on Slashdot that it was worth it to "take one for the team". Five thousand esr kiddies will have their responses modded down.
* The NSA will release a report noting that Perl handles most of the internet traffic. How they know that they won't reveal, but they will say "That Larry Wall is some character. We posted some of his emails on the bulletin board". A congressional committee will look into the legality of the NSA reading Usenet, and if Larry should be convicted of something for posting Perl to it.
* Jesse "Jifty" Vincent will sell a new service at Best Practical to go with Jifty. You can now hire a Best Practical Jifty Consultaint to visit your work site and beat whiny people while shouting "Just frickin' do it!". He got the idea after watching the videos of Terry Tate on YouTube. Since only Perl has this popular service, Perl becomes the new sexy thing (again).