Well. This is a good question that I overlooked making clear when I started this thread.
The program I am writing compiles just fine by itself. It even runs at runtime but the fact that my subs get executed at runtime when they should only be run when called is what's causing the whole script to fail.
Hmm. I thought I submitted a reply to this one already but I must have overlooked the submit button a few days. Anyhoo, just so everyone knows...
I was using strict; as I always do, religiously. I learned my lesson on that one way back at the beginning of my Perl coding days. This suggestion from greywolf, btw, is always an excellent suggestion, nay, rule!
The script in question was compiling fine by itself.
Thanks for the input everyone. I just needed to make those two points clear so that at least people knew I wasn't a total tard :)