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jimbus

by jimbus (Friar)
on Jul 08, 2005 at 13:48 UTC ( #473413=user: print w/ replies, xml ) Need Help??

I've had some people ask about the adoption stuff and you can read about it here.This is Joey (10), Lisa, my Wife, Colleen (2), Basil(12), me (42), Noah(4) and Theodore(8).

Something /msg'ed to me the other day:

blokhead says A guy rushes into the emergency room, hysterically shouting "I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee!" .. A doctor says, "Calm down, you're two tents."

and one paraphrased from a quote on someone's home node:

If this home node were a deli, that last pun would be the wurst! (I actually quite liked it, but I needed someplace to put that, another favorite)

got some other puns the other day... most are weak, but some are ok

FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
  1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
  2. A will is a dead giveaway.
  3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  4. A backward poet writes inverse.
  5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes.
  6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
  7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
  8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
  10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
  12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
  13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
  15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  16. A calendar's days are numbered.
  17. A lot of money is tainted: Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
  18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
  22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
  24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
  25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
  26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
  29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
  30. You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

Some favorite puns that make the email rounds every once in a while

  1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
  2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
  3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
  4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
  7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
  8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
  9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
  10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
  11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
  12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
  13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
  14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
  15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
  16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
  17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?",they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
  18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
  19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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