Re: Lesson for grasshopper haiku

[zentara]

UPDATE: I see now, the "d...in" sounds like a single syllable. Trying additions to second line. But kutsu,convinced me, using alot of good haiku-talk, that it is Ok. :-)

A wise monk mentioned that line 2 only contained 6 syllables. I hear 7...

com....plete...ly...con....taine..d...in

Does a syllable that rolls off the tongue, make a sound? Maybe grasshopper needs to listen to his own ears? :-)

Comments welcome.

[kutsu]

Since the requirement is 5, 7, 5 mora, not syllables, that seems acceptable. Though I don't see a kigo (season word) anywhere. Maybe add a second verse for that:

Flowing as water
Filling quick the emptiness
Swift the fingers move

++ for the neat poem. (I don't like the added "are" it doesn't flow as well IMHO).

[zentara]

Yeah, I though about "completely contained within" would be better, but I thought it might be stretched to 8. What do you think?

[kutsu]

By my count that could be 7 or 9 mora (English being a much harder language to find mora in then Japanese) but as I was explained within 1 syllable on the second verse is acceptable for an English language haiku. Besides this is perlmonks not poemmonks so as long as it's close and about perl, it's good enough for me. :)