Whatever the point of your missive is, besides telling me that life for you is complicated, it is all negated by the fact that for this concrete problem, you could not be bothered to read Perls error message, which would have pointed you to the problem immediately.
Instead of believing this perceived complexity as being the untreatable nature of all your problems, I try to recommend to you the approach of reducing complexity. Especially when communicating problems to other people, I have experienced it as much more effective when I invest time in presenting the problem in a way that is as concise as possible but no simpler than possible. Hiding behind the claim that "it is all too complex" and blaming the tools is in my opinion the argument of a bad craftsman.
Your ideas of how Perl should behave are, again, nice ideas. The thing is, your ideas are ideas of a fantasy language that are neither backed up by the documentation of Perl nor by its behaviour. This is what I mean by "extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence". You claim weirdo generalities, but do not back them up with quotes from the documentation and self-contained programs that show the problem.
Until you do that, I think you won't get any better replies than hints as to how the way you are going about things is an uncommon and unconventionally structured way. I recommend learning how to use the tools you employ instead of trying to use hammers as ladders.
Can I assert that computer science is not your primary background as well?
Yes - computer science was my minor, my primary study was in mathematics.