Cursed Map

[kilinrax]

#!/usr/bin/perl -w

              use
          strict;sub
         p{$_="\c];\a
         \3SE\$\5!.\f)
        Ut4)\aHI#\5\f%)
        "; y< \n>++d;@_
       =/.+?(?=\d|$)/gm;
       $==    $|;    ;y
       ,"-/   ,\f-   ,;
        $;    =$_    ;;
         ;y{;E!\a4.;@
         \0-z} ^</*:>
            nb^d;;
           ; map {s
          }\W # }}xg
          ;}      @_;
           @_=   map
   {        chr (($       ==
  @{[/       ./gx        ]})
 ?($-=                  ++$=
**3,$%+=              $-,)[0]:
   $%/2)}@_        ,q++;map
       {s[(.)    ]~@_=
         map{$_^$',$
          _^$+}@_~ex
        ;}/../g ;${;}
     =~s{.}%     map{$_^=
 ${&}}@_;$\          .=shift()
  ;%ges;              $\.=$/;
  print                 $';
    }                     p

Update: Changed "\r" as it was causing portability issues (kilinrax)
Second Update: Re-written, fixed, and tested for MacPerl (kilinrax)
Third Update: Neatened up 'bones' (kilinrax)