"Meta doesn't even look like CPAN."
CPAN is not the front end here. CPAN is the collection of distributions in a central location. search.cpan.org is simply a method to access it. Besides, the most infrequent thing I do with CPAN is search it so the name is irrelevant to me. Also, I much prefer the look and feel of meta, and when someone enters a search link and I want to review the distribution, I manually review it on meta as opposed to clicking the link.
"It's such a bad idea I would pay to stop it. I can kick in five figures. Where do I send the check?"
Right here. for $99,999, I guarantee you that within a month I will have the whole thing re-created ;)