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If Microsoft made movies

by JSchmitz (Canon)
on Nov 05, 2001 at 03:28 UTC ( #123238=perlmeditation: print w/replies, xml ) Need Help??

* You wouldn't be able to eat popcorn, drink a coke and watch the movie at the same time.
* If the popper was popping corn, and they were selling a candy bar, the movie would pause.
* They would announce that the next versions of the movie would enable colour blind people to watch in colour, and the deaf to hear it.
* The film would break every 15 minutes and in the most important parts.
* They would announce new breakthroughs in movie technology color and sound forgetting thats been around for years.
* Every new movie would require a new projector.
* The projector would claim to take 32mm in film size, but in reality it would only show 16mm magnified to make it look like 32mm.
* They would claim to have invented comedies.
* Every movie would look pretty, but actually have mishmash holding it together, and contain no plot. Ooops! Sorry, that's from the "What if Hollywood Made Movies" list.
* They would promise you an action/adventure flick starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sandra Bullock, but it would be 3 years late and end up being a sappy love story with Jim Carey and Madonna.
* Their projectors must have reset buttons, requiring you to start the movie over and over to have any hope of seeing the entire film.
* "640 seconds? Whose gonna watch a movie longer than that??"

Replies are listed 'Best First'.
Re: If the linux community made movies
by UsagiYojimbo (Acolyte) on Nov 05, 2001 at 03:50 UTC
    • You eat popcorn, drink a coke, and watch the movie all at the same time, but there wouldn't be any seats in the theatre, since that's not glamorous.
    • If the popper was popping corn, and they were selling a candy bar, the movie would need a new release of libc to continue. Each time a kernel popped.
    • They would announce that the next version of the movie would enable colour blind people to watch in colour, and the deaf to hear it, but you'd have to decide which of 13 vision and audio managers you wanted to run, and no application would work across all of them.
    • The film would break every 15 minutes and in the most important parts because Alan Cox released a new -ac release.
    • They would announce new breakthroughs in movie technology colour and sound forgetting thats been around for years, because everyone stole it from PARC and Apple.
    • Every new movie would require a new kernel release and libc.
    • The projector would claim to take 32mm in file size, but everyone would think it still wanted 16mm film, since everyone feels compelled to mirror 3 year old out of date documentation as much as possible. Resolution would only be determined by posting to the PKML.
    • They would claim to support all film genres, and the mailing list would be one long flame war about which is best. And which libc you need to enjoy it best. Assuming the kernel supports it.
    • Every movie would look pretty, but actually have mishmash holding it together, and contain no plot. Ooops! Sorry, that's from the "What if Hollywood Made Movies" list.
    • They would promise you an action/adventure flick starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sandra Bullock, but it would be 2 years late and end up being a sappy love story with 2 stuffed penguins. With no supporting documentation line.
    • Their projectors must have 'kill -9' buttons, requiring you to start the movie over and over to have any hope of seeing the entire film. Mostly because XFree-86 keeps hanging.
    • "2^32 seconds? Whose gonna sit through a movie that long??"
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Re: If Microsoft made movies
by CharlesClarkson (Curate) on Nov 06, 2001 at 01:26 UTC

    I recieved this via email some time ago and your post reminded me of it.

    If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

    • For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
    • Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
    • Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
    • Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
    • Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought CarNT, but then you would have to buy more seats.
    • Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
    • The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single General Protection Fault warning light.
    • New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
    • The airbag system would ask are you sure before deploying.
    • Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
    • GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
    • Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
    • You'd have to press the Start button to turn the engine off.





    Charles
Re: If Microsoft made movies
by mojotoad (Monsignor) on Dec 19, 2001 at 23:41 UTC
    Okay, IŽll take a stab at making it Perl related...

    If Microsoft made movies... they would all star Minnie Pearl.

    <shudder>

    Do I get a biscuit?

    Ah well.
    Matt
    (in Spain at the moment...how are ya, Jeff?)

Re: If Microsoft made movies
by Hyler (Sexton) on Nov 06, 2001 at 17:33 UTC
    And this is Perl related how? Shoo, back to slashdot!

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