The very-short (but definitive) answer is ... “no.”
And here’s why: “[any ...] SQL server has no idea who-or-what its client is ... nor does it care.” The server knows nothing about you ... therefore, nothing about your programming language (or even that you are using one ...) ... therefore, nothing about your “functions.” It has no ability,whatsoever, to “call them.”
If you desire to “do something fancy,” then you must provide all of the code to do it. You must issue a SELECT statement, and, for each row returned, create and issue appropriate-to-you INSERTs, probably within a transaction.
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