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Re: Preferred way of deciding the President for once and all

by Jonathan (Curate)
on Nov 22, 2000 at 17:07 UTC ( #42910=note: print w/replies, xml ) Need Help??

in reply to Preferred way of deciding the President for once and all

The Whole issue is now academic - oh and no messenger shooting :-)


To the citizens of the United States of America

In the light of your absolute failure to elect yourselves a President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Arkansas, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt. Hon. Anthony Blair, MP for the 98% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your limited shores) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a full British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You shall look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you shall raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You shall learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. Subjects of the latter colony of ours should be treated with no respect.

4. Hollywood shall be required to cast British actors as the good guys.

5. You shall relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You shall stop playing gridiron "football". There is only one kind of football, given to the world by us and played by all nations on the planet. What you refer to as "football" may, under the appropriate circumstances, be played as "handball" although our German neigbours may object as they already have such a game. It is a difficult game for you, we know, but persevere even if all other nations are much better at it than you. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to gridiron "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like crybabies).

7. You shall as our proxy, declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your shores should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.

8. July 4th shall no longer be a public holiday, nor "Martin Luther King Day", nor "Thanksgiving". November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in the United Kingdom. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are totally crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean (This will keep our European neighbours happy).

10. You shall be compelled to stop wearing white "sneakers" 365 days a year. As a general rule you shall be taught in school that sports apparel are designed for wearing whilst actually participating in a sport. There will be initially border checks on all American subjects entering the UK; - those wearing sneakers and/or hideous "pants", or indeed any unacceptable items of clothing shall be deported to Australia.

Signed by HM Government

This 14th Day of November, 2000

When I grow up I want to be a boy genius
My son Harry
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