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Lesson for grasshopper haiku

by zentara (Archbishop)
on Mar 02, 2006 at 11:31 UTC ( #533847=poem: print w/replies, xml ) Need Help??

I woke up suddenly last night from a wild dream muttering this to myself
secrets of ying yang completely contained in humble Perl shebang

I'm not really a human, but I play one on earth. flash japh

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Re: Lesson for grasshopper haiku
by zentara (Archbishop) on Mar 02, 2006 at 15:24 UTC
    UPDATE: I see now, the "d...in" sounds like a single syllable. Trying additions to second line. But kutsu,convinced me, using alot of good haiku-talk, that it is Ok. :-)

    A wise monk mentioned that line 2 only contained 6 syllables. I hear 7...

    com....plete...ly...con....taine..d...in

    Does a syllable that rolls off the tongue, make a sound? Maybe grasshopper needs to listen to his own ears? :-)

    Comments welcome.


    I'm not really a human, but I play one on earth. flash japh

      Since the requirement is 5, 7, 5 mora, not syllables, that seems acceptable. Though I don't see a kigo (season word) anywhere. Maybe add a second verse for that:

      Flowing as water Filling quick the emptiness Swift the fingers move

      ++ for the neat poem. (I don't like the added "are" it doesn't flow as well IMHO).

        Yeah, I though about "completely contained within" would be better, but I thought it might be stretched to 8. What do you think?

        I'm not really a human, but I play one on earth. flash japh
Re: Lesson for grasshopper haiku
by hypknotizzed (Beadle) on Mar 04, 2006 at 02:09 UTC
    The second line has only 6 syllables, so it is not a proper haiku. Oopydoopy.

    Cheers, hypknotizzed

    Oh, my bad, I am new to the monks and I did not notice that you had already caught the mistake. Sorry about that.

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