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#!/usr/bin/env perl -w use strict; my $quip = ""; { $/ = "%%\n"; rand($.) < 1 && chomp($quip = $_) while(<DATA>); } print "\n$quip\n" || "Could not get quote\n"; __END__ Ask me about my vow of silence %% Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. %% Hail to the Sun God! He is the Fun God! Ra! Ra! Ra! %% I WENT THROUGH HELL!!! (Elvis says Hi!) %% I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater %% If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? %% If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday +? %% If pi were 3, this sentence would look like this. %% Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to b +e? %% It doesn't matter what temperature a room is it's always room temperat +ure. %% Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time. %% Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. %% The way to a man's heart is through his back. %% There are more ways of killing a cat than buttering it with parsnips. %% There are three kinds of people -- those who can count, and those who +can't. %% Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like bananas %% There is a fine line between falling and flying. %% If Milli Vanilli falls down in the woods, does someone else make a sou +nd? %% There's more than one way to skin a cat. Way #15: Krazy Glue and a too +thbrush. %% If you hear an onion ring, answer it. %% Eagles may soar free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet +engines. %% [Warning on knife]: Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children. %% Q: Where does virgin wool come from? A: Ugly sheep. %% Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. %% There are two major products to come out of Berekley: LSD and UNIX. %% Save the whales. Collect the whole set. %% Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound! He shoots. HE SCOOORES! %% God is real, unless declared as an integer. %% Death: To stop sinning suddenly. %% Be different: Conform. %% Paul's law: You can't fall off the floor. %% Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. %% Now let's all repeat the non-conformist oath. %% Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow. %% No matter where you go, there you are. -- Buckaroo Banzai %% Useless advice #986: Never sit on a tack. %% A day without sunshine is like night. %% College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to dri +nk. %% A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform. %% This is a crude version of a more advanced utility that has never been + written. %% --------- if you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor ------ +---- %% Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. %% Photons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic! %% Jesus saves sinners...and redeems them for valuable cash prizes! %% God is love; Satan is 30 and up one set. %% A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle. %% What was sliced bread the greatest thing since? %% I haven't lost my mind; I'm sure it's backed up on tape somewhere! %% The use of 'goto' statements is discouraged, especially with the label + HELL: %% If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. %% Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. %% If the phone doesn't ring, it's me. %% That was Zen. This is Tao. -- Peter da Silva %% Where would we be without rhetorical questions? %% Illiterate? Write for help! %% Ninety percent of the game is half mental. -- Yogi Berra %% Two rights don't make a wrong, but three will get you back on the free +way. %% Heisenberg may have been here. %% There are too many states. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackp +ot. %% What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. %% Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well +done. %% Never trust anybody who says "trust me." Except just this once, of co +urse. %% We now present the conclusion of...The Never-ending Story. %% Playing a billion in a row on KRQR, the station that doesn't count too + good. %% If God didn't want us to eat animals, then how come he made them out o +f meat? %% Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick it once and you will suck for +ever. %% Never hunt rabbit with dead dog. -- Charlie Chan %% If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. %% Inbreeding is how we get championship horses. %% Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops. %% Half of the people in the world are below average. %% There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the s +treets? %% The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please divide by 0 and try a +gain. %% Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. %% On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" %% I still miss my ex wife, but my aim is getting better %% Animal testing is wrong, they get all nervous and give wrong the answe +rs %% Teamwork is essential, it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at %% Madness takes it's toll, please have exact change %% It is possible for your mind to be so open your brain falls out %% If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we put metal in a microwave +! %% The human spirit is a very hard thing to kill. Even with a chainsaw. %% Roses are red. Violets are blue. Some poems rhyme. But this one doesn' +t. %% Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? %% Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! %% I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. %% Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the op +posite. %% If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. %% For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, a +nd wrong. %% Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes? %% ...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A t +ruck!" %% You can't have everything. Where would you put it? %% On the other hand the early worm gets eaten %% Vote for the man who promises least; he'll be least disappointing %% The speed of time is one second per second %% If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now %% 668 -- the neighbor of the beast. %% A signature always reveals a man's character -- and sometimes even his + name %% All my life I wanted to be someone. I guess I should have been more sp +ecific %%

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