If Perl were a man:
- You wouldn't need CPAN. Perl would only "require" beer, food, sex, and sleep.
- Command line switches would all start with "-Are you in the mood, Honey?"
- Scripts could use maps but would have help disabled.
- Hashes would be piped in.
- Date functions would result in memory leaks.
- Two different scripts running on the same computer would cause a race condition.