My Sexy Intern

[BillC]

s,mooth,,sex,y!!! for@play;
twang thong while squeeze buttock and glob melons;
chomp my $chopper if 0xDeadBeef =~ pop @up;
unpack my $sack,
sqrt! sqrt! sqrt! my $load
until flat bag and int ern's dress creamy

Passes perl -c. After that, all bets are off. :-)

Considered by jdporter: "Do you find this node excessively distasteful and offensive? I do. Plese vote 'delete'." Vote tally after two days (keep/edit/delete): 10/1/10.
Unconsidered by davido: Rep. and keep votes blocked reaping.

[Euclid]

When I run this poem using ActiveState Perl 5.8 I get the following error:

perl monica.pl
Can't locate object method "squeeze" via package "buttock" (perhaps yo
+u forgot to load "buttock"?) at monica.pl line 2.

However, the -c option assures me that all is well!

perl -c monica.pl
monica.pl syntax OK

[DaWolf]

Perl seems to be as naughty as this poem:

'perhaps you forgot to load "buttock"?'

lol

[BillC]

As much as I enjoyed this error message, I can't claim credit for it; I only ever tested with perl -c. Looks like the (dreaded) indirect object notation. Running:

perl -MO=Deparse monica.pl

produces:

;
foreach $_ (@play) {
    s/mooth/();/sex, tr///;
}
use File::Glob ();
'thong'->twang while 'buttock'->squeeze and glob('melons');
chomp my($chopper) if 3735928559 =~ pop(@up);
unpack my $sack, sqrt !sqrt(not sqrt !my $load) until 'bag'->flat and 
+int 'dress'->ern::s('creamy');

Anyway, here's a version that actually runs:

package thong;   sub twang   { print "twang-thong\n"     }
package buttock; sub squeeze { print "squeeze-buttock\n" }
package bag;     sub flat    { print "flat-bag\n"        }
package ern;     sub s       { print "intern's\n"        }
package creamy;  sub dress   { print "dress-creamy\n"    }
package main;
s,mooth,,sex,y!!! for@play;
twang thong while squeeze buttock and glob melons;
chomp my $chopper if 0xDeadBeef =~ pop @up;
unpack my $sack,
sqrt! sqrt! sqrt! my $load
until flat bag and int ern's dress creamy

[DaWolf]

Naughty Perl poems... hmmmm what an idea!

Cheers,

[BillC]

I had no idea how people would react to this smutty poem. Which was part of the fun. I'd like to apologize to jdporter and others who were offended by it.

In my defense, I'd like to point out that one of the first Perl poems ever written, Black Perl, was presented in The Camel "without comment, merely to show how disgusting the metaphors of a typical programming language really are". Should such debauchery as:

kill the next sacrifice, each sacrifice,
wait, redo ritual until "all the spirits are pleased";
do it ("as they say").
do it(*everyone***must***participate***in***forbidden**s*e*x*).

take the blame for encouraging poor taste in Perl poets that follow? Or is this sort of unfortunate verse inevitable in a language with built-ins: sin, kill, die, chop, crypt, ... and so on?

[zentara]

It ought to be in an if statement:

if( $name !~ /^Monica/){.......}