If you have so much riding on a bunch of perfect strangers jumping up to answer your incomprehensible questions, you have more problems than we can solve here. I'll give you my advice, for whatever it's worth.
Go get a job. Any job. Put a smile on your face and ask "Would you like fries with that?" all day if that's what it takes to pay the rent and put food on the table.
Then, in your spare time, educate yourself.
Visit your local public library and read up on Windows and Excel and ODBC.
Check with your town/county/state -- many (in the US, at least) have inexpensive or free computer and career training, especially if you're unemployed or in a low-income situation.
Visit Google and type your question into the search box. Investigate the links that turn up.
Ask -- rather than demand -- that friends/co-workers/perlmonks help you out with the things you don't understand, but educate yourself enough first to be able to present coherent questions.
Many people here are happy to help, but we're not mind-readers -- we can't give you answers when we can't even understand what you're asking.
