http://www.perlmonks.org?node_id=205429

vote on My favorite lie is...

 The check is in the mail. 29/6% It wasn't me! 44/9% No, Officer. (or "Two beers") 25/5% Fat?? Never! 19/4% I know that! 80/17% Size doesn't matter. 24/5% Your call is very important to us... 84/18% But PerlMonks is work related. 159/34% 464 total votes
Replies are listed 'Best First'.
Re: My favorite lie is...
by japhy (Canon) on Oct 15, 2002 at 17:24 UTC
I'm not as think as you drunk I am, ociffer.

Riiiiiight.

It's late at night, on a rather empty highway, and a police officer driving along notices a car up ahead. The driver is following every rule in the book -- he's not speeding, he's using his turn signal to change lanes (even with an empty highway!)... the police officer decides to show his appreciation. He turns on his lights, and the car ahead puts on its right turn signal, slows down, stops on the shoulder, and puts the hazard lights on.

The cop walks up to the car, and the window is rolled down already. "I'd just like to thank you, sir, for driving so cautiously. You're a model driver, and I wish other people were as courteous as you are on the road." says the cop to the driver.

The driver responds "Why thank you, officer. You have to be this careful when you're as drunk as I am."

_____________________________________________________
Jeff[japhy]Pinyan: Perl, regex, and perl hacker, who'd like a job (NYC-area)
s++=END;++y(;-P)}y js++=;shajsj<++y(p-q)}?print:??;

My friend worked for the university police force. He pulled over an obviously drunk driver and asked the usual "How much have you had to drink?" and prepared to hear the traditional "Two beers." Instead he got "Um, I think about 8 beers, a couple of shots of tequila, some ..."

He was so impressed with the honesty that he gave the guy a ride home and didn't cite him.

- tye
Re: My favorite lie is...
by TStanley (Canon) on Oct 15, 2002 at 16:59 UTC

TStanley
--------
It is God's job to forgive Osama Bin Laden. It is our job to arrange the meeting -- General Norman Schwartzkopf
I'm the representative from the administration and the top raise we can 'give' you is 3%.
Re: My favorite lie is...
by Mr. Muskrat (Canon) on Oct 15, 2002 at 17:23 UTC
"You will be given a raise after your 90 day review."
Re: My favorite lie is...
by VSarkiss (Monsignor) on Oct 15, 2002 at 17:03 UTC

It wasn't me
Actually, it's "It was like that when I got here." (Props to Bart Simpson.)

Well, if you're going to give props for a line, then give them where they are due: Homer. To quote the man himself (as said to Bart):

I want to share something with you:
The three little sentences that will get you through life.
Number 1: (whispers) Cover for me.
Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss!
Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

That's where the credit goes for that quote. Pulled from One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish at the SNPP.
_____________________________________________________
mojobozo
word (wûrd)
interj. Slang. Used to express approval or an affirmative response to
something. Sometimes used with up. Source
Don't forget (when Mr. Burns and Smithers open the secret door in his office to the escape pod and find Homer inside eating a sandwich): "..Hello, my name is Mr. Burns"
Re: My favorite lie is...
by George_Sherston (Vicar) on Oct 15, 2002 at 17:09 UTC
Apparently in the Scottish courts there's going to be an official "third plea" so that you can can plead either "guilty", "not guilty" or "a big boy did it and ran away".

§ George Sherston
Oh, I thought it was "we woz robbed", usually said in a sporting context.
Re: My favorite lie is...
by earthboundmisfit (Chaplain) on Oct 15, 2002 at 17:32 UTC
You've all heard the fishermen's prayer, right?

Oh Lord, let me catch a fish so big
That in speaking of it with friends and family in years to come
I shall have no need to lie

:)

Re: My favorite lie is...
by RollyGuy (Chaplain) on Oct 15, 2002 at 18:35 UTC
"This won't hurt" -- Gotta love those doctors!
That's just a shortened form of "This won't hurt a bit", which is usually the litteral truth :)

____________________
Jeremy
I didn't believe in evil until I dated it.

Re: My favorite lie is...
by Popcorn Dave (Abbot) on Oct 15, 2002 at 18:30 UTC

Update: Forgot this one...

Best movie this year

There is no emoticon for what I'm feeling now.

Re: My favorite lie is...
by BrowserUk (Pope) on Oct 17, 2002 at 03:54 UTC

Several, in no particular order

• ...don't worry, I'm not trying to sell you anything...
• Yes, we're looking for show homes in your area and we think your's would be perfect.
• We won't use your email for any other purpose....
• Peace of mind with our low-cost, fully-comprehensive insurance cover Does not cover force majuere, acts of god, terrorism, natural disasters, unatural disasters, things that happen on Saturdays, nor weekdays, nor the Sabbath <even smaller>which is deemed to be Sunday regardless of your religion</evensmaler>
• ..comes with a lifetime guarentee.... and you will be wanting our extended warrentee....
• Suits you Sir!
Re: My favorite lie is...
by ignatz (Vicar) on Oct 15, 2002 at 20:27 UTC
The check is in the mail is a lie I've gotten very used to telling in the current economic climate.
```()-()
\"/
`
```
I got that lie from this one Credit Card company who scammed me.. Took me 6 months to get my money back.. "The check is in the mail, Mr. *****." 3 weeks later, "The check is still in the mail.." Yeah.. Right.
“A script is what you give the actors. A program is what you give the audience.” ~ Larry Wall
Re: My favorite lie is...
by greenFox (Vicar) on Oct 16, 2002 at 03:16 UTC

Not that I have ever said this (honest!), but-

"You can't get pregnant the first time"

:-)

--
Life is a tale told by an idiot -- full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. William Shakespeare, Macbeth

Don't forget the other lie in that conversation.
"This is my first time."

Sorry, couldn't resist that one. :)
"I'm single."
Also: "Of course I love you."
Heh. When they got to that in my sex-ed class there was a distinct feminine, Oh, shit! from the audience. :-)

My wife just reminded me of another one:
You won't get pregnant if you jump up and down afterwards.

One I've gotten a few times:
by LAI (Hermit) on Oct 15, 2002 at 23:19 UTC

"We're getting some R&D funding soon. Don't worry, you'll be back on staff in a couple of weeks."

Damn, I'm too young to have gotten laid off so often.

LAI
:eof
I like to give management one back and say, "Development is right on schedule and yes, your project is of the highest priority."
Re: My favorite lie is...
by feloniousMonk (Pilgrim) on Oct 15, 2002 at 19:28 UTC
I *really* wanted to vote for "But PerlMonks is work related." but felt I couldn't - because for me it really is work related. I really tried to push the button, but my conscience got the better of me and wouldn't let me do it.

Oh well.

felonious--
Re: My favorite lie is...
by shadox (Priest) on Oct 15, 2002 at 21:19 UTC
Since 55% is perl related, every morning when my boss asks me "whats that page again?".
I say:
It is perlmonks , and yes it is work related
And it is just the truth , it is perl related so it is work related, so i don't lie. (at least with that)
___________________________________________
Optimus magister, bonus liber
Re: My favorite lie is...
by bilfurd (Hermit) on Oct 15, 2002 at 19:28 UTC
Those that cannot be led gently to the fountain of knowledge will be driven with whips
Re: My favorite lie is...
by jotti (Scribe) on Oct 16, 2002 at 20:05 UTC
'Delete' will cancel the print job

May I suggest a sub-poll: What is your favorite MS lie?

Re: My favorite lie is...
by justinNEE (Monk) on Oct 15, 2002 at 17:52 UTC
"Your call is important to us..."

I hate phone-answering employees who think they are not responsible for the cosmically unjust policies of their employers. Fuck that! You are responsible!
```4. B&H Photo

3. ________ Airlines

2. COX Cable - Internet "Service"

1. Wells Fargo   (In ignorant Georgian accent) "I'm sorry, we require
at least 10 business days before you can inquire about stolen funds."
Re: My favorite lie is...
by Beatnik (Parson) on Oct 16, 2002 at 19:38 UTC
Your computer will crash and installing Perl is the only way to stop it!

Greetz
Beatnik
...Perl is like sex: if you're doing it wrong, there's no fun to it.

That's in the same arena as:
sah.exe? It's nothing to worry about. It's only a system administration sub-program.

Re: My favorite lie is...
by cLive ;-) (Prior) on Oct 17, 2002 at 07:03 UTC
Re: My favorite lie is...
by false (Novice) on Oct 16, 2002 at 13:50 UTC

"This won't hurt a bit."

I just love dentists. :P

Re: My favorite lie is...
by Anonymous Monk on Oct 17, 2002 at 19:56 UTC
i swear he was dead when i got here...
Re: My favorite lie is...
by elbie (Curate) on Oct 16, 2002 at 13:39 UTC

That was too easy. All the other lies are generally from positions I don't want to be stuck in anyway.

Update: Oh yeah. "But perlmonks is work related."

elbieelbieelbie

Re: My favorite lie is...
by Dr. Mu (Hermit) on Oct 19, 2002 at 17:00 UTC
That's just a one-day project -- two days tops!
Re: My favorite lie is...
by tbone1 (Monsignor) on Oct 16, 2002 at 18:57 UTC
Looks aren't important.

I would never marry for money.

Honey, I'm trying to help, this is for your own good.

--
tbone1
Ain't enough 'O's in 'stoopid' to describe that guy.
- Dave "the King" Wilson

Re: My favorite lie is...
by St{)ìÑ (Initiate) on Oct 17, 2002 at 03:08 UTC
I swear to drunk Officer, I'm not God!

-St{)ìÑ

Re: My favorite lie is...
by weini (Friar) on Oct 17, 2002 at 12:37 UTC
Why is "But PerlMonks is work related" so high?! It's no lie, isn't it? Well, at least ... ;^)
Re: My favorite lie is...
by jotti (Scribe) on Oct 17, 2002 at 17:36 UTC
One option was missing:

My favorite lie is...

Every vote I give in the Voting Booth, including this.

Re: My favorite lie is...
by Kage (Scribe) on Oct 15, 2002 at 22:19 UTC
Size doesn't matter. Heh.. Yeah, but some of us programmers (KAGE) don't gotta worry (KAGE) about that kind of stuff. (KAGE)
No comment.
Re: My favorite lie is...
by doran (Deacon) on Oct 17, 2002 at 22:07 UTC
We pay for overtime...
Re: My favorite lie is...
by Rex(Wrecks) (Curate) on Oct 16, 2002 at 17:24 UTC
"You know what Jack Burton always says, the check is in the mail."

nuff said :)

"Nothing is sure but death and taxes" I say combine the two and its death to all taxes!
I voted for your check is in the mail, but I really missed seeing

"Of course I know what I'm doing...."

work it harder make it better do it faster makes us stronger more than ever hour after our work is never over.
Re: My favorite lie is...
by traveler (Parson) on Oct 19, 2002 at 22:08 UTC
Years ago when I installed telephones we had a sales guy who said "This is an easy job, just plug it in and turn it on." of course that meant that it would be a big pain in the whatever.

I am also fond of "Just five more minutes." That sort of goes along with the college prof who always said "This assignment shouldn't take long." Finally, there's "I'll just try on one more and then we can go."

Re: My favorite lie is...
by malaga (Pilgrim) on Oct 17, 2002 at 19:19 UTC
in California: I'll meet you at X:XX (time). Means I'll meet you whenever the @%\$! I get there.
Re: My favorite lie is...
by elwarren (Curate) on Oct 18, 2002 at 04:12 UTC
Sorry ocifer... :-)
Re: My favorite lie is...
by yung_tw (Pilgrim) on Oct 18, 2002 at 21:00 UTC
I know that!. I guess that's part of our human ego..:)
Re: My favorite lie is...
by shmem (Chancellor) on Apr 06, 2007 at 22:28 UTC
The one also known as the shortest programmer's joke:

I know its not true every time I say that, but geez... at least I try hard :-)

--shmem

```_(\$_=" "x(1<<5)."?\n".q·/)Oo.  G°\        /
/\_¯/(q    /
----------------------------  \__(m.====·.(_("always off the crowd"))."·
");sub _{s./.(\$e="'Itrs `mnsgdq Gdbj O`qkdq")=~y/"-y/#-z/;\$e.e && print}```

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